Ignore the Sex Mirage
Today, I am here to tell you that in spite of what you read and hear, other people are probably not having the kind of sex that you wish you were having. This applies to both the quality or amount of sex that feels absent from your life, especially given the pandemic.
Let’s Talk About The Idea of Sex (Baby)
Sex is a complex thing, and many folks are motivated to pursue it. (Good for them!) There are also many ways that the pursuit of sex becomes about the pursuit of the idea of sex.
Thus advertising was born: if you don’t have straight teeth, people won’t have sex with you. Why? Who knows, but hurry up and throw money at it before you find out that it’s true!
(We do not believe that having straight teeth increases a person’s viability as a sexual partner but also acknowledge that it is an aspect of a conventional beauty standard that definitely can impact people’s quality of life.)
But we often stress about this. If there is a reason we have not had sex for a long time, (how long is “a long time” is deeply subjective) or have not had sex in a specific way that we idealize or long for- it is very easy to believe everyone else out there is doing exactly that thing, and it is VERY EASY for them.
In this moment, you are inside the snowglobe of your own experience. You do not know what sex is like for other people. Your sense of anxiety and scarcity has some very specific stories about what sex is like for other people.
Social Media: Making Sex Look Easy
Other people’s sex lives may look easy from the outside, but what does “easy” mean?
Most people’s supposition of sex being “easy” means “no inconvenient feelings” or. “congruent expectations and desires with their partner that no one needs to ask or clarify anything.”
So, what may look from the outside like ‘easy’ is much more likely to be the outcome of other people’s capacity for suppression. If things are bad, or awkward, they simply may not be saying so to their partners.
In our anxiety fantasies of other people’s sex lives, things are pretty amazing. Including but not limited to the fantasy:
Nothing weird or unexpected happens (farting, the dog jumping on the bed)
In our fantasies we are unspeakably hot and intensely desired (or our bodies are surrounded by sexy, mysterious fog in the places that we have not yet made peace with)
We meet our partner(s) in an earth-shattering moment of connection and ecstasy that goes beyond words; possibly to a place that is spiritual or maybe one that is simply overwhelming and ecstatic and ideally also fun.
Nobody ever cries.
That Sounds Cool, How Do I Do It?
So, this would be a cool thing to have happen, but it mostly does not happen.
I’m not sure why- but the vagaries of the human animal pretty much guarantee that we do not have sex that matches up with the sex we have inside our heads.
Often we have a certain kind of sex that from an objective outside looks like one thing, but because of our own internalized processing, feels totally different. (See: anyone who has ever engaged in a fantasy roleplay. You resemble an pair (or group) of people in unfamiliar garments trying some thing out, probably awkwardly; my hope is that you feel like the sexy embodiment of whatever you hope for.)
The reality is that nobody’s embodied sex life resembles the sex life that happens inside our heads. It’s a mirage.
An Easy Sex Life is Hard to Find
Sex is genuinely not easy for most people. There are a thousand reasons- because trauma histories come up, or because there are no suitable or available partners.
Perhaps there are no other queer people in the town you live.
Possibly you are one of those people who has internalized the idea that a person’s tax bracket gives you information about whether or not they will be an appropriate sexual partner. (it does not)
Sometimes Scarcity is Real
Also, there is remarkable stigma around not having had sex ever, or for a long time-and wanting that to be different.
This is something folks often carry a lot of shame about, because the story is that it ‘means’ something about you if you’re working with a dry spell of a couple or many years.
The fact that you have not been having sex probably has not meant that you did NOTHING during that time. You went for walks, you had an interesting sandwich, you made friends, you threw pennies into a fountain. Maybe you masturbated or read some erotica to get a sense of what does it for you, sexually-speaking. (this is a good idea)
So, it’s not like nothing happened, even if sex didn’t. And as we’ve discussed, sex does not look or mean one universal thing.
So divest from the fantasy of the sex mirage. It’s a mirage, there’s no water there, and what you think other people are out there doing is probably inaccurate. It gives you more information about your hopes and fears and desires than it does about anybody else’s sexual practices.
If you need help sorting out reality from the sex mirage, give me a call.
About the Author
Maria Turner-Carney has a BA in media studies and queer identity development from Fairhaven College. She received her Master’s in Social Work with a focus in Mental Health from the University of Washington. Her work background includes LGBTQ mental health; work in the anti-violence movement; dating and domestic violence; harm-reduction; mental health case management; chronic mental illness; intergenerational relationships; and managing chronic health conditions. Her practice is located in Seattle, WA, which you can book here. You can follow her on Instagram here. This article was originally posted in Maria’s blog.
